


Up Schitt's Creek

by helloitshaley



Category: Schitt's Creek, The Addams Family (Movies)
Genre: But I had fun writing it, Crossover, F/M, I realize there wasn't a big market for this, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helloitshaley/pseuds/helloitshaley
Summary: The Rosebud Motel is getting a new, kooky family. I couldn't help, as I was watching the '91 movie, wonder... what if the motel the Addams end up at was the Rosebud? Thus this very niche fic was born. How do the Roses deal with their ooky new neighbors? And what sort of shenanigans with the Addams get up to in Schitt's creek?
Relationships: Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams, Johnny Rose/Moira Rose, Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 29
Kudos: 54





	Up Schitt's Creek

“Oh my God,” David whispered, peeking around the small curtain that still reaked of cigarette smoke. His eyes widened as he craned his neck to get a better look. “Oh my God!”

“What are you looking at, is it another drunk guy peeing in the bushes?” Alexis asked, adjusting her hoop earring as she walked out of the bathroom.

“No, they arrested that guy,” David said offhandedly. “No, I’m looking at this green, hearse like monstrosity that just pulled in that is apparently being driven by Frankenstine.”

Alexis rolled her eyes. “Did you take one of Mom’s ‘sleeping pills’ again, David?”

David shot her a look. “That was once and it was a very dark time. Would you just come to the window please so I can stop dictating to you?”

“Ugh, fine,” Alexis relented, walking over to join her brother at the window. “Oh, Ew, David, is that Stevie’s family?”

“Um, how should I know?”

“No it can’t be, Mom owns the same dress that woman is wearing.”

“Oh my God, you’re right. Stevie’s relatives could never afford that. But the resemblance is uncanny…” 

“David, these people are reminding me of those farm witches that had those great peanut butter thingies!” Alexis said happily, slapping his arm.

“Okay, for the thousandth time, those were mennonites!”

Alexis was barely paying attention as she continued watching the family file out of their car. “Oh, David, come here! That man is hot in a like, I have daddy issues, kind of way.”

David looked back out the window, his prominent eyebrows furrowing together. “He looks depressed and he’s smoking a cigar. There is something seriously wrong with you.”

“Do you think he’s with that woman?” Alexis asked, ignoring him.

David glared at her for a moment before saying, “considering the two children that just got out of the car and the fact that they’re at a motel together, I’d say it's a maybe.” He was being completely sarcastic, of course. “Not being with Ted has seriously lowered your standards. Not that those standards were very high to begin with.”

“Ugh, you’re such a dick, David. This has nothing to do with Ted.”

“Mhhm, okay, well I’m going to work. Let me know if they end up being related to Stevie, if only so I can mock you for being attracted to someone related to Stevie.”

“Hmm, lick rust!”

…

“Rosebud, is everything so very desolate?” Gomez asked, his shoulders slumped in defeat as he looked up at the bright red motel sign. He thought when the town had a charming name like Schitt’s Creek, everything would match. However Rosebud seemed far too pleasant. 

“Darling, it was our cheapest option,” Morticia said softly, touching his shoulder. “Perhaps the inside will be much gloomier than the outside.”

“Cheapest option,” Gomez spat, throwing his hands up in exasperation. 

“Cool, they have balloons on the ground!” Pugsley yelled from the grass a few feet away. He lifted the so called balloon from the ground to happily show everyone else with a large smile. 

“Pugsley, drop that this instant!” Morticia said, her eyes going wide. “That is not a balloon.” 

Wednesday smirked since she, of course, was the one who told her brother the discarded, used condom was a balloon in the first place. 

“Huh… maybe this place won’t be so bad after all,” Gomez said with a shrug. 

“Mama, would you please watch the children while we go check in?” Morticia asked, threading her arm through Gomez’s. “Make sure they don’t pick up any more prophylactics.” 

“But that helps build up their immune system!” Mama argued, but Morticia shot her a look that said it wasn’t up for debate.

“Tish,” Gomez groaned as they walked toward the office door. “I would have preferred sleeping in the gutter to this!”

“Gomez, darling, I know this situation is less than ideal,” Morticia said softly, “but since Fester has taken the house, this is what we must do for now.”

The couple walked into the rather dated office, finding the dull brown decor inviting as well as charming. Morticia walked up to the desk and took over the talking as Gomez slumped sulkily at her side. “Hello, we would like a room, please,” she said to the girl behind the desk, who was looking at them with wide, slightly intrigued eyes.

“Sure, just fill this out and I’ll get you taken care of,” she said, handing a clipboard to Morticia.

“Paperwork?” Gomez cried in anguish, startling the girl behind the desk.

“You must excuse him,” Morticia said with a sigh. She handed Gomez the clipboard and sent him over to the old couch to fill it out. “We’re going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment. You see, some strange circumstances caused us to lose our house and money to someone we trusted, forcing us to come here as a last resort.”

“Wow,” the girl said. “I’m getting a serious sense of deja vu. I guess that might be a requirement for staying here.”

“Stevie, I managed to fix the sheet problem in room three,” a man announced as he walked in before noticing Gomez and Morticia. “Oh, hello, I’m Johnny Rose,” he said with a friendly smile. “You must be related to Stevie.”

“Wha- no, they’re not,” Stevie said with a shake of her head. “They’re just guests, Mr. Rose.”

“Oh,” Johnny said, his eyebrows shooting upward as he looked at Morticia again. “Well, I’m sorry about the mixup. But you must admit there is a resemblance.” 

Morticia smiled softly and extended her hand to Johnny. “Morticia Addams, this is my husband, Gomez.”

“Charmed,” Gomez abruptly yelled, his voice cracking. He quickly turned his attention back to the clipboard in his hand. 

Morticia frowned before turning her attention back to Stevie. “There will be six of us, plus a hand.”

“A hand?” Stevie asked.

“Yes, but he’s no trouble. He’ll just stay in his box.”

“Perhaps two rooms, then,” Johnny suggested, joining Stevie behind the desk. 

“We can’t afford it!” Gomez cried in anguish.

“Their, uh, situation is rather similar to yours,” Stevie whispered to Johnny.

“Oh, I see. Well, Mrs. Addams, maybe there is something I can do to help you out a bit,” Johnny gently offered.

“No charity!” Gomez stubbornly insisted, bringing the clipboard back to the desk. “We will share one room like one, big, happy family!”

“Gomez,” Morticia said in a warning tone. “Now might not be the time for pride.”

“Pride is all I have!” he yelled before looking down to notice a stain on his tie, which only made him deflate further. “Oh.” 

“It's really no problem to give you two rooms,” Johnny said. “It's a slow week here.”

“That would be lovely, Mr. Rose, thank you,” Morticia said, squeezing her husband’s arm to keep him quiet.

“Yes, thanks,” Gomez sighed in defeat. “I suppose Mama will enjoy some alone time with Lurch.”

“We’ll put Thing with them,” Morticia said. “He’ll keep things in line.”

“I’m sorry,” Stevie cut in. “Thing?”

“I’ll have to let you know, we don’t allow pets here,” Johnny added.

“Oh, Thing isn’t a pet,” Morticia said with a soft laugh. “He's a hand, the one I mentioned before.”

Johnny and Stevie shared a look. “Right, well, here are your keys,” Johnny said, handing them over. “If you need anything, feel free to ask.”

“We appreciate it, thank you.”

“John, John!” a woman in a bright red wig yelled as she burst into the office. “Have you seen? Stevie’s family is here and they look just how you would expect!”

Stevie let out a long sigh. “Not my family.”

“Moira, these are our guests,” Johnny said. “Mr. and Mrs. Addams, this is my wife, Moira.”

“Oh, I love your dress,” Moria said, looking approvingly at Morticia. “No, you couldn’t be related to Stevie, not wearing that.”

“I’m literally right here,” Stevie said.

“No offence, Stevie.”

“Thank you,” Morticia said softly. “Now, if you’ll excuse us, we should get settled in.”

“Of course, of course, could we give you a hand with your bags?” Johnny asked as he showed the couple to the door.

“Thank you, but our butler is more than capable.”

“Oh, I remember when we had a butler,” Moira said, her voice full of regret. “And our maid. And chauffeur. And cook. And nanny. God, I miss the nanny.”

“Moira, our kids are adults.”

“You tell that to them, John.” 

“What odd people,” Morticia whispered once they were safely outside of the office, leaving the woman lamenting about past servants behind.

“That man’s eyebrows,” Gomez said in awe. “They were magnificent.” 

“My darling,” Morticia said, stopping them before they could rejoin the rest of their family. “This will be alright. We just need to figure some things out right now, that's all.”

“Meh,” Gomez sighed, not wanting to hear it. “It is hopeless, Morticia. My brother hates me and he took all our money.”

Morticia was about to respond when she noticed Mama trying to pick the lock to one of the rooms. With a sigh, she let go of her husband’s arm and walked over to her. “We have keys, Mama.”

“Yeah, but this way is free!”

“The man at the desk was nice enough to give us an extra room, no charge,” Morticia explained as she unlocked the doors to their actual rooms. “The least we can do is not break into other rooms.”

“Awe man,” Pugsley sighed. 

“Mama, you’ll be in here with Lurch and Thing. Gomez and I will be next door with the children.”

Wednesday’s eyes widened in disgust. “I have to share a bed with Pugsley?”

“We’re all making sacrifices, darling,” Morticia said gently as she adjusted one of Wednesday’s braids. “You can put a knife between the two of you if it would make you feel better.”

A tiny hint of a smile tugged at Wednesday’s lips. “It would.”

“What's there to complain about?” Pugsley asked. “I stopped vomiting the bed when I was seven.” 

Morticia let out a long exhale, trying to remain as calm as possible. She was always the picture of serenity, but she usually had Gomez to lean on in any situation. In this situation, however, Gomez was leaning on an old vending machine with a vacant stare on his face, so he was of no help. “Let's get settled, shall we? Then we can figure out what we can do for dinner.”

“Oh, I saw a cat run by earlier!” Mama shouted, reaching for her bat in the trunk of the car.

“A nice thought, mama, but I can’t see how that would feed all of us.”

“I am not hungry!” Gomez lamented as he pulled a bag of chips out of the vending machine. He ripped it open and began shoving chips in his mouth with alarming speed. “I couldn’t possibly eat a bite!”

Morticia sighed as she unlocked both their doors. “I think a bit of rest will do us all good for right now.”

…

Boredom, curiosity, and a twinge of loneliness were what prompted Alexis to waltz into the motel office the next morning, catching Stevie off guard. “Hey,” she said with a grin, walking over to the desk. “So did you know your family was coming to town or was it a fun, little surprise?”

Stevie looked up from the old computer with a confused expression. “What?”

“You know,” Alexis said, gesturing with her hands. “Your family, those people that checked in yesterday.”

“Oh my God, they are not my family!” Stevie said, growing annoyed with the amount of times that had been said to her. “They’re just random guests.”

“Okay, I knew they were too well dressed. No offense.”

“Some taken!” 

“Anyway,” Alexis continued. “Like, what do you know about them?”

“Nothing,” Stevie said flatly.

“So, like, nothing at all?” Alexis pressed.

“The wife said something about someone taking their house and their money and that's why they’re here. Kind of like you guys. Your dad gave them an extra room for free, because we have the budget for that.”

“Uh huh, I see. So they’re like, for sure married then?” Alexis asked, since that was the only part of the conversation she seemed to focus on. 

“Oh my God,” Stevie laughed. “Don’t tell me you have the hots for that man.”

“What?” Alexis cried, feigning innocence. “Oh my God, ew, no, Stevie. I’m just making conversation. I mean, he does remind me a lot of this Spanish duke that I once had a two week affair with before his lover, Enrique, found out about us and chased me from their villa with an antique battle axe, but, like, I don’t ‘have the hots for him’ or anything.”

“Good,” Stevie said. “Because he's married. With kids.” 

“That's never stopped me before,” Alexis said under her breath. 

Stevie rolled her eyes. “Okay, I might hate myself for asking this, but does your weird infatuation with Mr. Addams have anything to do with Ted and Heather?”

Alexis rolled her eyes, which turned into a rather exaggerated facial expression. “No. No, like I said, I just came in to chat.”

“Then can you promise me you’ll be normal when that door opens?” Stevie asked. “I can’t have you freaking out the guests, your mother does that enough for everyone.”

Alexis turned toward the door, right as Gomez walked in. He looked far more disheveled than when he arrived yesterday. His hair was no longer gelled back, his shirt was untucked as well as unbuttoned, and the circles under his eyes were making it look like he was in a bar fight the night before. And it wasn’t not working for Alexis.

“The remote needs new batteries,” he said sullenly, walking up to the desk. “I don’t want to miss Gilligan.” 

“Yeah, those batteries are probably ten years old,” Stevie said as she took the remote. “People don’t usually check in here to watch tv, if you know what I mean. I’ll go see what's in the back.”

As soon as Stevie disappeared into the back room, Alexis turned toward Gomez. “Um, hey, I’m Alexis. I’m the CEO of PR for the motel.”

She stuck out her hand, which Gomez limply shook. “Gomez Addams.”

“So, like, if there's anything you need, you can feel free to ask me,” she said with a flirty wink, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

“Anything I need,” he said with a forlorn sigh. “Can you bring my brother back from the brink of insanity? If that even is my brother! Is he an impostor, or is he Fester? Can you tell me that, Alexis?”

Alexis stared wide eyed at Gomez, taking a hesitant step back. “Um… okay, so maybe not anything. I meant like, room service, or new sheets that I would have Stevie bring you.”

“I managed to find some batteries,” Stevie said as she came out of the back room. “I had to take them out of the smoke detector, so let's just hope there's no fire any time soon.”

Gomez sighed and took the remote back. “I will let Pugsley know not to set any fires. Thank you for this.” 

He left, leaving Stevie and Alexis alone once again. Stevie looked hesitantly over at Alexis, folding her arms over the desk. “Did I hear shouting?”

“So, he’s like, very passionate in a sort of dangerous way…”

“Oh my God,” Stevie said with a shake of her head. “I have rooms to clean.”

“Kay, sounds fun.” Alexis, of course, had not paid attention to what Stevie just said. 

Stevie shook her head and walked out. Handling one Rose sibling’s life crisis was enough for her. Alexis could sort her own life out, and Stevie would get a bucket of popcorn to watch with, but definitely not get involved.

… 

“Oh my God!” David gasped, grabbing Patrick’s arm as they walked up to the motel. “What the ever loving fuck is this?”

“That's a lemonade stand, David,” Patrick said with thinly veiled amusement. “Kids set them up sometimes to make money. It's cute.”

“No, cute is Bridget Jones’s baby. These two look more like Rosemary’s baby.” He gestured to the ramshackle stand Wednesday and Pugsley set up at the side of the road. “They even have a skull and crossbone on their sign!”

Patrick shook his head and pulled out his wallet. “I’m going to buy a cup.”

“Okay, it's your funeral. Lucky for you I look great in black.”

“They’re Stevie’s family, David,” Patrick chuckled. “You should be nice.”

David frowned as he reluctantly followed Patrick up to the two kids. “Hello, sir, would you like a cup of lemonade?” Pugsley asked.

“Two please,” Patrick said, shoving a few dollars in their empty jar.

“Two?” David asked.

Patrick patted his shoulder. “I gotta keep my boyfriend hydrated, don’t I?”

David glared at him from the side of his eye. “It's on your head if I get botulism.”

“I don’t think that's how that happens,” Patrick whispered as he took the two cups from Wednesday. “Thank you.”

“Okay, but is it made with real lemons?” David asked, giving the cup a sniff.

“If one more person asks me that, they will be the last person to ask me that,” Wednesday said flatly, glaring at David. 

“Oh my God,” David whispered, taking a step away. 

“Bottoms up!” Patrick said happily, clinking his paper cup against David’s before taking a sip.

David watched with horror as Patrick’s face screwed up in what appeared to be pain. Patrick, not wanting to offend the kids, turned his head slightly and spat his mouthful back into his cup. David flinched away, looking down at the cup in his hand like it was full of fungus. 

“It's good, kids, thanks,” Patrick said, his voice strained.

“So you didn’t just spit it out?” Wednesday asked.

“I, uh…”

“That's how they drink it in Japan,” David said, putting his hands on Patrick’s shoulders. 

“No it isn’t,” Wednesday shot back.

David’s jaw dropped slightly. “Okay, well, this has been fun, but we have to get going. Thank you so much for this.” David started pulling Patrick away, holding his cup out like it was going to bite him.

“I don’t know what was in that but it tasted like bleach,” Patrick said, looking back at the kids.

“Well you should go get your money back,” David stated as if that was the only obvious choice.

“No, they’re just kids. But I do feel like we need to warn everyone else. Should we tell Stevie? Maybe she could talk to them.”

“I say anyone who would buy drinks from children at the side of a motel deserves whatever is coming to them.”

“You know it's not a foreign concept to be kind to kids, David,” Patrick said with a laugh.

“Mmm, that's debatable,” David said right as Stevie walked out of a room. “Stevie, those cousins of yours just tried to poison Patrick.”

Stevie looked with confusion between Patrick and then the lemonade stand. “Those aren’t my cousins.” 

“Fine, whatever bumpkin term you have for your relatives.”

Stevie’s eyes widened in anger. “For the millionth time I am not related to those people!”

David smirked in amusement. “But you see why we would all draw that conclusion, right?”

“What do you mean they tried to poison Patrick?” Stevie asked, ignoring his remark. 

“Try this,” David said, thrusting his cup toward Stevie.

“No, Stevie, you really shouldn’t,” Patrick said, taking the cup and throwing it away. “Just trust us.”

“Okay, well, I really don’t care enough to deal with it, so I’m going to go restock the vending machine and not shout at children. That's reserved for when I’m drunk.”

“Oh, put more hohos in the machine,” David called after her.

“But what if I eat them all first?”

David frowned and made a face right as Roland walked out of the office, slurping down a cup of lemonade. “Oh hey, have you guys tried this?” he asked through a burp. David’s face screwed up in revulsion. “I don’t know what those kids are putting in this, but it's great.”

He walked away, leaving the other three staring at him in shock. Patrick shook his head, looking horrified. “He’s going to die.”

… 

The next morning, Morticia was disheartened to find that Gomez was still in his state of funk. She woke up to find him rooted in front of the tv, covered in bags of junk food as he stared at the grainy screen. Of course this situation was terribly difficult for him, and she understood completely why he was so upset, but she wished he would perk up just a tiny bit. 

“Darling,” Morticia said softly, sliding out of the delightfully lumpy bed to walk over to him. “Why don’t we get ready and we can take the children on a walk through the town today?”

Gomez let out a prolonged sigh, letting his head fall forlornly against Morticia’s hip. “I am simply not up to it, Tish.”

Morticia bit her lip, determined to find some way to snap him out of this state. She glanced over at the other bed where Wednesday and Pugsley were still fast asleep. “Then why don’t we let Mama and Lurch take the children for a walk and we can spend some alone time here?”

“We could watch the Price is Right and see which one of us would win!”

Morticia’s frown deepened. She placed the back of her hand against his forehead, checking to be sure he wasn’t actually ill. With a defeated sigh, she sunk down to the arm of his chair and wound her arm over his shoulders. “Gomez, perhaps I should look for work.”

That got his attention away from the tv. “My darling… are you sure? I don’t want- I feel terrible that-”

“Hush, mon cher,” she said softly, placing her finger against his lips. “If the children can go out and sell lemonade, I can go find a job.”

And with that in mind, Morticia got ready and left the comforting dullness of their motel room. There had to be something in this town for her to do. She was about to walk down to the front desk and ask when she noticed the owner's wife, today wearing a funky black wig that looked like crow feathers, talking animatedly with a terribly dressed blonde woman.

“Moira, I know it's not your cup of tea, but I’m in a real pickle here,” the blonde lady said. “It would only be for this week while Mrs. Needermiere recovers from her gout surgery.”

“Jocelyn, while I may have had an impressive two episode arc as a sexy substitute on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, in real life I could not be less interested in wrangling young pupils,” Moira said with an exaggerated frown. 

Jocelyn sighed, but was clearly still determined. “They’re just preschoolers, Moira. All you have to do is read them a few stories and make sure they don’t, I don’t know, die.”

“There will be death involved?” Moria cried.

“No!” Jocelyn placated. “Hopefully.” 

“I’m sorry,” Morticia said softly, finally getting involved. “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.”

“Yes, Jocelyn can be quite loud,” Moira said, even though she was the loud one in this situation. 

“I was actually looking for a job, if I could be of any help in this situation,” Morticia said, looking cautiously between the two women.

Moira threw her hands up in relief. “Well there you have it! I must go lie down, it has been a tremendously long day.”

“It's only ten,” Jocelyn said in confusion.

“And it will only continue,” Moira retorted. “Best to dwindle down some of those hours while I can.” She started to walk away, but Jocelyn caught her arm.

“Just a moment, I can’t go handing out jobs to anyone off the street.”

“Oh, well, you can trust Mrs. Andrews,” Moria said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“Addams,” Morticia gently corrected. 

“Oh, no dear, my name is Moira.”

Morticia’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion before she decided to just move on and talk to Jocelyn. “Of course you want to make sure I’m not a homicidal maniac.”

“Right, you understand. Can I ask you a few questions? I am a bit desperate,” Jocelyn said, still hanging onto Moira’s sleeve, which she did not appreciate.

“Of course,” Morticia said, threading her fingers together.

“Right, so, um, did you go to college?” Jocelyn asked.

Morticia looked from side to side, trying to think of an appropriate answer. “I had private tutors.”

Jocelyn shrugged. “Alright. Do you have experience with kids?”

“I have two of my own.”

“Great! Um, have you ever killed anybody?”

“As if she would tell you if she did,” Moira said under her breath.

“Killed anybody? No… ” Morticia looked off into space before quickly smiling at them.

“Great, you’re hired! Come with me!” Jocelyn dropped Moira’s arm to grab Morticia’s instead. “Are you okay with sticky? Because they are sticky. And they will smack your butt, especially in a tight dress like that. If you don’t make it sexual, then it's no big deal.”

Moira chuckled to herself and started walking back to her room. “I dodged a bullet there. Good luck, Mrs. Andrews.” 

…

“Oh my God, they’re coming in here!” David yelled from the front of his store. “They’re coming in!”

Patrick stuck his head out of the back room in response. “I know that customers are exciting, but there's no need to shout.”

He turned to Patrick with a wide eyed expression. “Do I sound excited?”

The front door jingled as Wednesday and Pugsley walked in, followed by Mama, who had David completely on edge with her witchy appearance and strange, indiscernible smell.

“Hi, welcome in,” Patrick said cordially, walking around to greet them. “What can we help you with?”

Wednesday glared up at David, which caused him to look around to see if she was actually glaring at someone else. “Do you have real lemons here?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“Um…” David began. “No, but I do have some Himalayan salt, for you. Since you’re salty.”

Wednesday’s glare stayed fixed to her face for a moment, until the tiniest hint of a smirk pulled at her lips. David smirked back, matching her stance by crossing his arms. “Why would I need more salt if I’m already salty?” Wednesday questioned.

David floundered for a moment, deciding to change the subject instead of arguing with a kid. “Well… my name's David, if you decide you actually need something. I’m assuming you just came in here to torment me, though.”

Wednesday glanced from side to side before looking back at David. “I like your shirt.”

David looked down at his black T-shirt that said NOPE in big letters. “You do?” he asked in disbelief.

Wednesday shrugged slightly. “I like the implication that you don’t want to talk to anyone.”

David smiled approvingly. “You aren’t half bad. Do you want me to help you find something?”

“We’re just looking around,” Wednesday finally said before walking away.

A crash came from the back room, followed by Pugsley saying, “oops.”

“Okay, well can you just look without breaking anything?” David asked, waving his hands around as Patrick went to assess the situation.

“No promises,” Wednesday said ominously as she slowly turned to walk away.

“Kay… well if you break it you buy it.”

“What do you call this?” Mama yelled from across the store where she was waving around a plunger.

“That's a plunger!” David called back, taking a few steps away. “And it should not be out in the front room.”

“For plunging what?” Mama asked.

“Oh my God,” David whispered. “A toilet.” 

“Huh,” Mama said, looking at the rubber end with awe. “I could have used this on stew night.”

“Ewwwwww,” David hissed with a shudder.

“No, it's okay,” Patrick was saying as he and Pugsley left the back room. “I know you didn’t smash it on purpose.”

Pugsley snickered as he walked back over to his sister. “He thinks it was an accident.” 

“Pugsley, drink this,” Wednesday said, holding out a glass jar of body milk.

Pugsley shrugged and popped the top off before anyone could stop him. He started chugging, much to David and Patrick’s horror. “Oh, no, no,” Patrick gasped, rushing over to stop him.

“What? It's milk!” Pugsley defended as Patrick took the bottle away.

“Body milk!” David cried. “Milk, for your body!”

Wednesday turned to face him and said, “that's a little unclear.”

“It was tasty,” Pugsley said.

David groaned, rubbing at his temples. “This is why I hate kids,” he whispered to Patrick.

“You can feed Pugsley anything,” Wednesday said. “Want to see?”

“No!” 

“Oh, there's a cat outside!” Mama yelled, haphazardly tossing the plunger behind her. “Come on, kids. That's dinner!”

They all rushed out of the store, leaving it far more disheveled than when they found it. David turned to Patrick, looking bewildered. “What the fuck?”

… 

“Okay, Morticia, all you have to do is read some stories, maybe do some songs. They like art projects too, so whatever you find in the room, you can use,” Jocelyn was explaining as she walked Morticia toward the preschool room. “I can help you out a bit before my first class to make sure you’re all settled.”

Morticia nodded politely all the while inside she was horrified by the myriad of encouraging posters on the walls, many of which were covered in glitter. “That all sounds simple enough.”

“You can also take them outside, if you want.”

Morticia raised a questioning eyebrow. “Outside? In this weather?” 

Jocelyn shook her head in confusion, glancing out a window as they passed. “But it's a bright, sunny day, Morticia.”

“Exactly.” 

“Alrightie, moving on. Here's the room!” Jocelyn rushed forward and opened the door that was covered with cut outs of colorful flowers and bees with smiley faces. Morticia shuddered in disgust. And she would soon find out that the inside of the room was no better with all it's bright toys and colorful wall posters. Morticia wasn’t sure she would get through the day without a migraine from all the colors assaulting her.

“Fair warning,” Jocelyn whispered, shaking Morticia from her horrified trance. “The children will look at you and ask you if you’re a witch. Don’t take offence.”

Morticia shrugged indifferently. “Why would that be offensive?”

“I’m here, no need to worry yourself any longer!” came Moira’s booming voice as she walked through the door, holding her arms out in a grand gesture.

“What? Moira, why are you here?” Jocelyn asked, her voice verging on the edge of exasperation. 

“I’m helping you with your little quandary, of course,” Moira said like it was obvious. She walked over and plunked her leather bag down on the teacher’s desk and pulled off her sunglasses to look around the room. “Oh my, and quandary it is indeed. This room is as tacky as a circus tent.”

Morticia smirked at that remark, but decided to overall stay silent and let the two other women hash this out.

“Moira, you said you didn’t want to sub,” Jocelyn said. “Remember? You were there when I gave the job to Morticia.”

Moira turned in Morticia’s direction, flinching in shock as she noticed her for the first time. “Oh, you frightened me! Like a sneaky spectre over there in that corner.”

“Thank you.”

“While I remember none of that conversation of which you speak, I suppose I should step back and let Mrs. Andrews take over,” Moira said, gesturing toward Morticia. “I assume she is much more comfortable with the bébés than me.”

“Addams,” Morticia yet again corrected. “I would, however, welcome the help, if you would like to stay?”

Moira looked down at her watch. “I am positively bedeviled with meetings, but I suppose I could stay.”

“Great,” Jocelyn said flatly. “That's great.”

… 

Determined to clear her head, Alexis stepped out of her room, fully ready to go on a run and stop thinking about Ted for two seconds. Obviously she wasn’t going to admit to everyone else that yes, he had been on her mind constantly, but he had and it was completely messing with her brain. 

“No,” she groaned as a familiar silver car pulled into the gravel parking lot. After the initial shock had worn off, she plastered on a fake smile and sauntered over to the car to face down the occupants with a bright smile. 

Ted rolled down the window and smiled happily. “Hey, I’m glad I caught you!”

“Hey, I’m glad-” she cut herself off mid sentence upon seeing Heather sitting in the passenger seat. Feeling flustered but desperate to play it cool, she decided to acknowledge her. “I’m so glad you brought Heather! Hey, girl, how are you?”

“Um, I’m good.”

“Good, good, that's so good. So, um, Ted, to what do I owe this little surprise?” she asked, tugging on the end of her ponytail to try to keep from freaking out.

“You left your bracelet at the clinic,” he said, reaching out the window to return the gold cuff. “I thought you might want it back. Also, one of the dogs wouldn’t stop sniffing it and I was getting a little concerned.”

“Ew,” she said quietly, slipping the cuff back on her wrist. “Thank you so much. I actually accused David of taking it this morning, so phew,” she said with an exaggerated laugh.

“Well, I would love to stay and chat, but we have to get going. I signed us up for a cooking class!” Ted said with a grin as he started his car back up. “We’re going to see what trouble we can mix up. See you later!”

“Yeah,” Alexis sighed as he drove away. “See you later.”

She rolled her eyes and was about to take off on her run when she noticed Gomez leave his room to head toward the vending machine. Hating herself just a tiny bit, she changed her course to walk toward him.

“No!” he was yelling as he hit his palm against the side of the machine. “You will give me my dollar back if I do not get my Twinkies!”

“Oh my God that vending machine is the worst,” she said casually, leaning against the side of the motel. Not that Alexis actually knew anything about the vending machine seeing as everything inside repulsed her. “You know there's like, free pastries and stuff in the office, right?”

He turned to look at her, his dark rimmed eyes wide with intrigue. “Free?” 

“Yeah, it's a continental breakfast sort of thing. There's coffee too.”

Gomez nodded. “Yes, while normally I would be disgusted by the notion of pastries, food seems to be the only thing filling the gaping void in my life.”

“Um… yeah, I totally get that,” Alexis said even though she did not.

“That and day time television, though I am no longer allowed to call into the Sally Jessie Rapheal show.”

“Kay, I don’t know what that is.” She fluffed up her ponytail. “Do you want me to show you where the food is?”

“Please!” 

…

“And then Hansel and Grettel pushed the witch into the oven….” Morticia trailed off, looking down at the book she was reading in horror. There was a swarm of children at her feet, growing rather antsy as they waited on the end of the terribly violent book.

“Why did you stop?” whined a little boy whose finger seemed to be glued to the inside of his nose.

Morticia sighed and shut the book, deciding to improvise a bit. “Where the witch was burned alive, screaming and writhing in agony.” That got the somewhat rambunctious class to quiet down. “Now children, how do you think that felt?”

She was met with blank, horrified stares as a few kids spontaneously burst into tears.

“Oh, great, they’re crying again!” Moira lamented from where she had turned several of the small chairs into a lounge seat. “And this one smells like excrement!” 

She gestured to a little boy who was giggling as he rocked back and forth. “I pooped, Mrs. Addams!”

“It stinks!” a little girl yelled.

“Oh dear, they are rioting!” Moira yelled, getting to her feet. “Morticia, you must change that one!”

Morticia looked at Moira with wide eyes. “As… tempting as that sounds, I was going to read another story…”

“No!” the class shouted all at once.

“My, that's a word they certainly know,” Morticia said under her breath.

“Ewwww!” Moria yelled, her voice crescendoing at the end. “Morticia, it's getting stronger!”

The kid in question continued laughing, almost as if he did it on purpose. “It was a big one,” he said with a loud giggle.

“Oh, this is the last time I let Jocelyn talk me into anything!”

Morticia wanted to point out that Moira showed up all on her own, but she thought it best to not bring that up at the present moment. She stood, looking around the room for a distraction while she figured out the best way to deal with the stink bomb. “Alright, children, everyone find a pair of scissors and run ten laps around the classroom.”

“No, not you!” Moira said as the boy went to stand with the rest of the very eager kids. “Do not stand up, we don’t want it sliding out onto the floor!”

“But I wanna run with scissors!”

“You can run with scissors in a moment,” Morticia said gently. “For now… Mrs. Rose is going to help you get cleaned up.”

“Oh, that's laughable,” Moria scoffed. “Your children are much younger than mine, you must have eons of more experience in this field than I.”

“Gomez was always on diaper duty,” Morticia said with a slight shudder. “And with Pugsley that was nearly a full time job.”

“What is a Pugs-ley?”

“My son… anyway, seeing as your children are older, as you have pointed out, wouldn’t that make you the more seasoned veteran?” 

“That is what our nanny, Adalina, was for!”

“It's starting to get cold,” the boy said from the floor. “Is someone going to wipe my bottom?”

“I just realized I’ve intruded on your work day,” Moria said with mock remorse as she started backing toward the door. “Far be it from me to stand in the way of a working mother!”

Morticia shook her head. If this woman was going to barge in, she was not going to barge out. “And far be it from me to stand in your way. You must have been very bored, why not stay and enjoy the excitement?”

“Ow! Mrs. Addams, Carson stabbed me with the scissors!” yelled a kid.

“So stab him back, dear!” Morticia called before turning her attention back to Moira, who had her things gathered and was at the door.

“You can handle this, my dear!” Moria said with one foot out the door. “I am late for-” she was cut off by a pair of scissors whizzing by her head and getting stuck in the plaster of the wall. She let out an ear piercing scream. “They are attacking!”

Morticia was fighting to keep her calm disposition as the chaos and smell swirled all around her. “Mrs. Rose, I really think-”

“No, Mrs. Andrews, this is your domain.”

“Addams!” Morticia said with the tiniest hint of aggravation.

“Hey, I just came back to check on…” Jocelyn trailed off as she took in the state of the room, her jaw dropping open. “What the heck is going on in here?”

“I was just leaving,” Moira said before bolting out the door as fast as she could on her very high heels. 

“I pooped!” the kid yelled with a giant grin.

Jocelyn’s eyes finally settled on Morticia. “Mrs. Addams, would you?” she gestured to the child.

Morticia was about to protest, right before a girl dumped an entire bottle of glue right onto the rug. That was accompanied by a boy screaming ‘butt’ at the top of his lungs while several of the kids were still running with scissors. Not to mention the few that were still crying from the terror of Morticia’s twist on Hansel and Gretel.

One girl stopped dead in her tracks and pointed at Morticia. “She scared us! She told us about burning alive! And for snack she gave us old yoghurt!”

Morticia shrugged. “It tastes much better three weeks after the sell by date.”

“And that other lady wouldn’t share the tic tacs she kept eating!”

“They weren’t tic tacs,” Morticia said softly. “They were Ambien.”

“On second thought,” Jocelyn said. “Maybe you should go too, Morticia.” 

Morticia nodded. “Perhaps that's for the best.”

… 

“Let me see if I have this straight,” Gomez said around a mouth full of cinnamon bun, which he found far less repulsive after it had been sitting out for two days. “You have been engaged to this man twice, but now that he is with another woman, you want him back?”

“Okay, well when you put it like that it sounds bad,” Alexis said with a groan. “It's more like… I’ve realized now that I made a big mistake with Ted. Like, I had to get some things out of my system before I realized how good I had it. Before I realized that, yeah, I actually do love him and I shouldn’t have thrown it all away.”

Gomez nodded in consideration as he took a giant sip of the sludge like coffee. “If you truly do love this Ted, then I think the solution is simple.”

“It is?”

Gomez leaned in, looking around the office to make sure they were alone. “Kill Heather,” he whispered with a devious grin.

“Um… no, but thank you, though,” Alexis said awkwardly, patting his shoulder. “I’d prefer not to go to jail. Orange isn’t really my color.”

Gomez shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

Alexis sighed, flopping back against the dusty couch. “I literally can’t think about anything else.”

“So tell him. Maybe it will make you feel better and you’ll stop trying to sleep with older, married men.”

Alexis grimaced in embarrassment. “Okay, but in my defence, I never actually came onto you. I let people come to me.”

Gomez raised his eyebrows in confusion. “And does that work?”

“Normally. I am a very hot commodity.” 

Gomez sympathetically patted her knee. “Of course you are.”

“So I should talk to him.” She stood, needing to psyche herself up. “I’m going to talk to him. Right now.”

“Excellent!” Gomez said supportively. “I am going to have more of this coffee.”

“Um, yeah, that coffee is like three days old.”

“Yes, it is wonderful.”

“Ew.” 

… 

Keeping her hopes up was becoming more and more difficult, it would seem. Morticia all but dragged herself back to the motel, knowing she had to put on a brave face but wanting nothing more than to just collapse face down on the bed and sleep. 

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Addams,” Johnny said happily as he left the room beside their’s. “I trust your day has gone well.”

Morticia smiled politely. “I spent the morning in a preschool classroom with your wife.”

His eyes widened in shock. “Moira? With preschoolers? And you both made it out alive?”

“Unfortunately,” Morticia said with a sigh. “But there's always tomorrow.”

“Um… yeah,” Johnny said in a confused tone. “Look, Mrs. Addams, I know it's not my place, but I can’t help but want to offer you some advice, seeing as I went through a similar situation.”

“I could honestly use all the advice I could get,” Morticia said quietly, crossing her arms.

Johnny smiled softly, leaning against the maid cart he was wheeling around. “Lean on your family. It's easy to think that you’ve lost everything, but you haven’t lost them.”

Morticia smiled. “Thank you, Mr. Rose.”

“Things will perk up… it may take a while, however.”

“That's what motels are for,” Morticia said with a smirk. “Isn’t it?”

Johnny laughed and nodded in appreciation. “Very good, Mrs. Addams. On that note, is there anything I could get you?”

“Well, I didn’t want to bother you, but I have noticed a distinct lack of broken glass in the carpet.”

Johnny’s prominent eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “Broken… broken glass?”

“If it's too much trouble, however, we can make do without it.”

“Um, sorry to disappoint, but we don’t… we don’t do that here,” Johnny said slowly.

Morticia shrugged. “Not to worry, the children would like to make their own anyway. Thank you for the talk, Mr. Rose.”

Johnny stared after her as she disappeared into the room. “Make their own?” he repeated quietly before shaking his head and moving on.

… 

Alexis had not been able to sleep. She tried taking Gomez’s advice, but chickened out at the last moment. She was laying awake, glaring at the ceiling when David came bursting in. “Oh my God, David, what are you doing here?” she asked, trying to get over the initial shock of a late night intrusion.

“Yeah, the toilet at Patrick’s got backed up, so I figured for the sake of our relationship I should come back here for the night,” he explained while looking out the window. “What I want to know is why I just passed that Addams lady, on foot, wearing a cloak in the parking lot like this is Wuthering Heights or something.”

“Who knows, David, just go to sleep,” Alexis groaned, shoving her pillow over her head. “Women sneak out of motels at night all the time, it's not that weird.”

“She reminds me of that piano teacher I had when I was thirteen.”

“The one who beat your knuckles with a ruler that you got oddly attached to?” Alexis asked.

“Okay, I was not oddly attached to her,” David tried to defend. “She was just a powerful lady who provided some much needed structure in my life.”

“Okay, whatever you tell yourself, goodnight!”

“Ew, there's some weird, flesh colored animal in the parking lot,” David hissed, ignoring his sister. “Like a weird spider!”

“Okay, well, if you stop talking it won’t hear you and come after you.”

“That's not a nice thing to say to me.”

Nearly an hour later, David and Alexis simultaneously opened their eyes to the sound of shouting coming from a few doors down. “What the fuck?” David asked in exasperation. “What is that?”

“It sounds like Gomez,” Alexis grumbled, pulling the pillow back over her head. “He’s a very passionate man.”

“Well can he tone down the passion in the middle of the night?” David yelled before getting up to go to the window.

“Kids! There is a vengeful Spaniard coming to kill us all!” Moira yelled as she barged into their room, followed by a rather sleepy Johnny.

“No one is coming to kill us,” Johnny said reasonably. 

“Oh my God, it's just Gomez!” Alexis yelled. “If you all don’t mind, I would like to get back to dwelling on my problems and not whatever this is!”

“He’s getting in his car,” David said. “Okay, he’s speeding out of the parking lot. And he is going very fast.”

“This reminds me of that summer we spent at the Versace compound,” Moira said.

“Um, you spent that summer with Donatella, not us,” Alexis pointed out.

“And what a drama filled sojourn it was!” Moira yelled. “By the end I could not wait to return to our mundane lives.”

“I didn’t see you for three weeks after that, but that isn’t the point,” David said from his spot by the window. “Anyway, he's gone now so I’m going to go back to sleep.”

“That's a good idea kids, Moira,” Johnny said, trying to usher her back to their room. 

“Kay, goodnight!” Alexis said for the millionth time.

“Do you think he was going to find his wife?” David whispered once their parents left.

“I don’t know, David. Honestly, they’re nice people but they’re bordering on strange.”

“They’re like your upper east side friends.”

“Oh my God, that's so true.”

… 

“Are you sure you want to check out?” Stevie asked Morticia and Gomez the next morning. “You’re paid through Thursday.”

“That's perfectly fine!” Gomez said happily. He was back to being his well dressed, well put together self and Stevie was grateful Alexis wasn’t around to witness it. “We no longer need your services!”

“Do tell the Roses that we appreciate all their… well, what all they did or tried to do for us,” Morticia said. 

“Will do. Is there anything else I can do for you?” Stevie asked, hoping the answer was no.

“Maybe think about getting some more mold in the bathrooms,” Gomez said. “I don’t want to nitpick, there was an adequate amount of mold, but there could always be more.”

“Uhh…” 

Gomez waved his hand. “Just a suggestion.”

“Alright,” Stevie said apprehensively. “Well, you both have a good day.”

“You as well,” Morticia said with a soft smile. She threaded her arm through Gomez’s and they left the office.

Nearly five minutes later, all of the Roses came in with strange looks on their faces. Stevie rolled her eyes and plastered on a fake smile. “And what may I help you with today?” she sarcastically asked.

“Yes, have you seen the Addams family today?” David asked, resting his elbow on the desk. “Because there was some drama last night.”

“Yeah, you just missed them,” Stevie said with a shrug. “They checked out.”

“Checked out?” Johnny asked, walking around behind the desk. “What do you mean they checked out?”

“Apparently the issue they had worked itself out. They were able to go back to their house.”

“What?” Moira screamed. “They’re rich again?”

“Uh, I guess?” Stevie said. “I didn’t exactly ask, but they were still happy to pay through Thursday.”

“Oh,” Johnny sighed, “good.”

“Why can that happen to them and not us?” Moira yelled before letting out a loud scream.

“Moira, we should be happy for the fortunes of others. Where are you going?”

“Into the closet, John!” she cried before stepping into the closet and slamming the door. 

“Is she okay?” Stevie quietly asked.

“Oh, she’s fine,” Alexis said dismissively. “She just needs to wallow a bit and she’ll be out in a few hours.”

“A few hours?”

“So that's the last we’ll be seeing of the Addams?” David asked. “How did things go with the dad, Alexis?”

She glared at his smug face. “Actually, David, he ended up helping me with a problem that I intend on solving today, so.” 

“Mhmm, so you didn’t sleep with him then.”

“You were trying to do what?” Johnny yelled.

“Oh my God, I was never going to sleep with him!” she yelled back.

“Because you couldn’t,” David pointed out.

“You’re such a dick, David!”

Stevie let out a long sigh. “Maybe the wrong family checked out.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr @helloitshaley, if you want to stop by and chat!


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